Bumping into the past ~ Relationship Reset

Over the past four weeks I have attended a wedding, a 50th Wedding Anniversary "Shed Party" and a college graduation party for a 40-something who has tackled his first advanced degree in pursuit of yet a more advanced degree.  All three events were centered in relationships established in my youth or during the years during which my children were growing up.

In each of these situations, I saw people that used to be part of my life on a regular basis.  Since moving to the "cities" in late 1998 I have had no contact with most of them, some contact with others and kept close contact with a treasured few.

I had a great time at each of these events and enjoyed conversations with everyone.  And I had a chance to see once again how perspective informs the conversation.  For many of my peers, the conversation began with I haven't see you in a long time.  Where do you live now?  How long have you been retired? (like they don't already know the answers to all these questions) to I have heard you have a really good life and now I see you do   to oh my gosh, how are you?  What are you doing now?  and ... ... ...

Most interesting for me are the oh my gosh how are you, what are you doing now questions that came from my kids peers!  They expect that life moves on, that people make new choices.  On the other hand, questions from my peers tended to be all about the past or about retirement.  When they learn that retirement is not a part of my reality (some days I long for it and others I never want it to come my way), they run completely out of things to say.  Some of them have been retired for over 10 years. 

My kids peers on the other hand are comfortable to talk and talk and talk about life being full of possibility and opportunity and they want to talk about what that is like in their lives and mine!  Their lives have always been about change, they never knew life when people made a choice upon graduating from high school and lived that choice their entire lives.

Perhaps the most exciting thing about these exchanges is that I am renewing some connections and I am very excited about that.  The new in all of this is that I am renewing connections with people who knew me in the past and now that we have reconnected, we want to know and spend time with each other in the now that is real and exciting! 

So for today, I am calling this great gift Relationship Reset!

To add a little fun, I decided to do a Google Image Search using Relationship Restart ... almost without exception the images are couple based or are images of Dr. P. touting his most recent tome which of course uses the word relationship in the title and then he adds the word, rescue.  Not what I am talking about here at all! 

Oh geez, now I may need to ponder whether the word relationship is the right word to use in this Just Thinkin' post. As today's youth say over and over and over again, for today It is what it is!  Period.

The Perfect Body

Auntie Lena (Ginger Hedstrom)

In 1990 a dear friend, who happened to be full-blooded Norwegian, turned 65 glorious years old.  A group of us wanted to surprise her and we also knew that it was she who was the queen of giving.  She flunked receiving with more "F's" on her report card of life than any of us ever could!

So I created Auntie Lena, a character clown, in the hopes of bringing a little levity to the surprise party to provide some ease for her ... taking some of the attention off her ... for a few minutes.  I created my "one time ever costume" wrote a poem about her life from stories her family and friends shared with me, brought a "deesh to pass." In the tradition of clowning, as the fool who created an interruption changing "momentarily" the tone of the event.

It was a grand party and she had a tremendous time receiving all the love from her family and friends.  This time she got an A+ as she received it ALL. Today, almost 13 years since her death in June 2000, I can still see her face as she drank in the fun and the love surrounding her.  Oh, yes, I can hear her laughter laughter too. 

The absolute unexpected consequence of all of this was that people began asking Auntie Lena to create an interruption for them.  In the ensuing years I have created many and just like the first, each one has something to teach me.

Two weeks ago I was asked to interrupt the 50th Wedding Anniversary of dear friends.  I have known the bride since we were both in grade school and the groom since my teens.  This was planned with their children who told them that due to my recent bi-lateral foot surgery I would not be able to come as Auntie Lena. 

My props for the day included a decadent "made from scratch" chocolate cake topped with a used candle and wrapped in an embroidered "Saturday deesh towel," a quart jar of homemade egg coffee wrapped in old newspapers, an antique Victrola with 78 rpm polka records, and a clothes stomper for a cane. 

This morning I can still hear the laughter of the crowd, especially the bride!  I do love to hear laughter and since I can't respond with laughter, I remember it even more clearly after the fact.

One of the things that I learned that day was about body image.  What is okay at one age and is not okay at another.  In the picture above my costume includes a polyester dress that was made in the 1970's by my great-aunt Ella.  The hem is right above my knees.  I also wear pantyhose, a pair of old fashioned nylon "granny panties" over them and cotton stockings knotted at my knees.

While trying to put the Victrola together and get the music playing, my polyester dress hiked up in the back.  It always does.  It is supposed to!  It always brings laughter, gales and gales and gales of laughter.  And like many older women I have been blessed to know, it doesn't bother Auntie Lena any more than it bothered them.  On this occasion however, it was problematic for one of the guests who came up behind me and tried unsuccessfully to pull the dress down!  Well honey, there "ain't no pullin'" it down!  It is planned to be that way.

What I have been wondering since that afternoon during my moments of reflection and introspection is, was this person trying to protect my dignity?   Or was the imperfection of my aging body offensive to the eye (s) of the beholder (s)?  After all, no one would think of pulling down the tiny jean skirt of a teenage girl or any woman with a young lean trim body or for that matter any woman considered "young."  I don't know and it really doesn't matter.  The experience simply gave me something on which to be "just thinkin'."

None of these things would enter my mind if it weren't for the ways we as a society view the aging body as flawed, imperfect, wrong, a cause of embarrassment.  There is a billions dollar" anti-aging" industry to keep us from becoming wrinkled, preventing facial hair" and warding off the unpleasant sight of gray hair. Exposure of elephant" knees and/or "wing" upper arms, presenting images of elders in swimming suits, shorts or swimming suits and the response is often sound of absolute distain"eeewwweeeeeee."

From my years of working with elders and now literally being one, I realize that even suggesting that aging persons continue to be sexual persons is utterly repulsive.  There are not enough e's or w's in the English language to express the collective repulsion. 

Actually as I keep just thinkin' it seems that the only people we should celebrate as healthy and vibrant and sexually appealing are the young, the thin and the beautiful, the painted, primped hetero-sexual beings who are served abundantly and unceasingly by our billions and billions and billions dollar perfection based marketing media machines!

As always, I am still just thinkin' about live as it shows up!  Wrinkles and gray hair and wing arms and elephant knees and laugh lines and ... ... ... life IS good! 


 

Missing and Missed: Blue Sky of Spring

Puerto Morelos April 2013

I chose this picture
to help me remember
a blue sky

On this May 4, 2013
Saint Paul Minnesota
blue sky is a distant memory

Or at least so it feels
while California is
battered by relentless wild fires
we are simply living under gray skies
daily snow
record snow fall
Southern MN in May!

And though I miss the
warmth of spring
more
more
more than anything
I miss the
Blue Sky of Spring
in Minnesota.

I am working hard on
patience
knowing the sun shines
above the clouds
that will leave
then I will STOP
everything
and go outside
to see
to feel
the sun
savor the
Blue Sky of Spring.

And pray that the
dangerous and destructive
live changing
fires fueled by strong winds
in California
abate soon
very
very
very soon!